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[11 Mar 2007|03:26am] |
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last night was my idea of a good friday. if derek was involved it woulda been great. but anyway.. i met up with mal &bri at the mall. nothing spectacular occurred. me&mal got to my house, smoked, chilled.. good stuff. then we ended up chilling with mecca for awhile. todayyy i went to my babys. we saw 300 {great} & ZODIAC {great}. we snuck into Zodiac. haha little devilsssss >:)
as we were sitting outside the theater waiting for Zodiac to start, my exboyfriend walks in with his friend and some girl. i told derek who he was and after that i noticed derek not taking his eyes off of matt. it was kinda funny kinda cute. hah. it sounds sad.. but it felt good to have him see matt. i don't know why, but it did. and it felt even better to have matt see derek. all i wish is that i was looking cuter. no one ever wants to see an ex when your semi-fabulous. (wow i'm completely retarded)
oh yeah a good thing.. last night derek called me at like 5am after his night of drinking. i specifically did not ask him to call me earlier in the night, because the last time he called me when he was drunk he was a complete and utter asshole. so i wanted to just avoid it. 4:30am rolls around.. my phone rings.. it's my baby.. asking me to repeat "carne esada" {sp}. 5am rolls around, he calls me again without me asking him to and he wasn't being a dick at all. it made me smile because i was shocked. ilovehim. kbye.
OOOH. grant. i don't know what the fuck is going on with that boy. he tells me he's all happy because i texted him and that he missed me. i tell him sometimes my boyfriend doesn't make me happy, and he says "we make each other happy.. lemme know". UM. I USE TO LOVE WITH MORE THAN WORDS COULD DESCRIBE... now that i'm over you and in love with someone else... DON"T FUCKING MESS WITH MY HEAD. istill<3youthough. he's the only person i'll ever have that connection with. fuck if i know.
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[09 Mar 2007|01:42pm] |
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children talking |
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i'm at work right now.. on a bit of a break. i went out to smoke a cigarette but i wanted to go on the internet for a bit. i am on a hunt to find interesting people on here. i know it will take some time.
tonight will be awesome. perks, pot &mallory. (: then we're goin to the mall, i have no money to spend, but i shall go anyway. i can enjoy the clothes from a distance. i could have some cash to get rid of if i didn't offer to go to the movies with derek. since i asked, i will pay. but then i'll be broker than a crack smoker. i get to see him saturday. edd said he's havin people over his house that night, but i know i'll be in the mood for some sexual healing and private time with my baby. so i don't know how that'll work. derek will probablly wanna go. or he'll be like "i'll take you home first then i'll go out.. i don't wanna worry about you getting home." blahblah. just have my sleep over, fucker. it's been awhile since i've done that since he's been in the department. christ i dunno. ilovehim.
K. no one reads this so it makes it easy to say anything i want.
byeee.
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| "it's amazing how you love" |
[08 Mar 2007|10:12pm] |
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sade - only love that gets us through |
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so this is my silly little intro.
i'm jessica, this is my 1000th livejournal. just kidding.. something like that though. i went to myspace for a little bit but i miss the love from livejournal. i guess the reason i wanted to make one of these again is because i'm feeling a bit lost. see, i have a boyfriend. who is lovely, for the most part.
where should i start with this one? hm. okay, his name is derek, he's 21. he's beautiful and use to make me really happy. i love him with all my heart, but now i'm seeing that we may not be perfect together. i am certainly not a perfectionist of any means.. but when it comes to certain things i can have control over.. i am. it's so hard because i do really love him, and he does love me.. so i pray sometimes love is enough. but i am full of doubts lately. and i have my issuses. so i know i cause at least 50% of the problems i feel we have. he has started working for the fire department. which i feel has been very hard to deal with. i can't let him go though just because things are rough right now.. i do have hope things will brighten up. so anyway. it's been difficult because with these problems i feel are lying quietly dormant.. all i want is to see him when i can so i can fix things. and by fix things i mean.. not to take every little thing to heart. i'm a very emotional person, and derek isn't too considerate when it comes to that. i am also very insecure so everytime a beautiful girl is brought up.. in any type of way (if it's made obvious he finds them attractive..) it kills me. i wish i could change who i am inside &out. i've always had issues with myself. i'm trying to work on it.. and all i can think about are the things i can't work on. and it leaves me with a horrible knot in my pit of my belly. i want happiness back and i fear i might have to sacrafice a good thing because i want it to be great. i can't leave him though. i won't. despite however unhappy, there always is that smile.. that smile he flashes before he tickles me. or kisses me. or tells me he loves me. that's what i need more of.
christ i've babbled long enough.
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